Pet Names
by Asuki
Summary: I have but one goal this week - to annoy Kai with my lovely-dovey pet names. Why? Because Kai hates pet names. Kai really hates pet names… [KaiRei, yaoi, two-shot?]


**Title: ** Pet Names

**Authoress: ** Asuki

**Rating: ** PG-13

**Summary: ** I have one goal this week - to annoy Kai with my lovely-dovey pet names. Why? Because Kai hates pet names. Kai *really* hates pet names… [KaiRei, yaoi, one-shot]

**Warnings:** yaoi, pet names, crappy humour and OOC Rei?

**Disclaimer: ** We do know that we don't, and never will own'em, or are we just in denial?

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May I present to you my ultimate goal of this week --- to annoy Kai with pet names!!

Um, that was me. Me when I'm bored out of my mind; me when I come up with ridiculously lame and utterly unachievable goals; me when I don't get what I want, such as my morning cuddle because SOMEONE always wakes up earlier than I do. I hate alarm clocks.

So what do I do when situations as such arise? Good question. And my perfect solution would be to devise a completely flawless plan; the reason being in the form of perfection over there lazing on the couch looking very adorably cute and sexy with his bangs dangling tantilisingly over the pair of most amazing burgundy eyes --- what I mean is to annoy Kai of course!

So far my record has been crisp and clean. My successful attempts include – persuading Kai to wear a pink shirt for a day of outing with the guys; persuading Kai to accompany me for a day of Christmas shopping for everyone; persuading Kai to do my share of the chores for a week and persuading Kai to stay at a party for more than 30 minutes.

As you can see, I can be a really persuasive person when I want. Okay, so I lied about the first three, but at least the last one I was true; and you shoulda seen the goofy grin on me, or so Kai says. See the problem here? We've been living together for nearly a year now, and while I have learnt that Kai only tends to speak when he wants to (even though he admits that he's more comfortable around me, bless him); you never, and I do emphasis never, can make him do anything that is remotely un-Kai. And even people with a high tolerance (such as me) can become frustrated at times.

As for my childish counteract, I annoy him in return.

I tried, I really did, but almost anything I've attempted did not seem to faze him at all. I mean, if the guy can put up with me slapping his ass every two seconds (and you really can't blame me for doing so), the guy can put up with anything. Anything that is until, during one of those **evil** grocery shopping trips on a perfectly normal day, I noted the slightest flinch in Kai's shoulders when the friendly old lady down the fruit stall addressed him 'darling'. 

Those prayers of mine finally paid off!

After much relentless effort, Rei Kon had found that one thing _the_ almighty Kai Hiwatari could not stand ---

Pet names.

Of course this major discovery didn't just drop out of the sky, if it did, then you wouldn't be here listening to my oh-so-interesting thoughts while I chew over how to annoy Kai with a subtle yet effective approach. I'm not stupid you know, I don't intend to push him over the brink, just keeping him swaying on the edge is fine. Who knows what they guy's capable of? Anyhow, as absurd as it sounds, I did research. No not the 'going-through-books-in-the-library' type of research. I had to make sure it was something that really got to him. What better way to do so than some practical observation? It's two birds with one stone really, I get to ogle at his **nice** body plus finding out what I need. 

So after a couple of days of ogling -- I mean observing, Kai's body language was telling me to upgrade that 'could not stand' to an awful 'extremely dislike'. The time Tyson's grandpa called him 'dear', and the time Max's mum had said 'sweetie', it was the exact same flinch in the shoulder. And by the time the lady from the fruit stall had called him darling again, I was beyond certain. Now why would a guy with the proficiency to beat you to a pulp in three seconds be annoyed (I dare not say afraid) by something as trivial as a pet name is beyond me. Ask him. I've had my fair share of assumptions, and I have a gut-wrenching feeling that it has something to do with that god awful past of his, poor thing. But that doesn't alter the fact that I'm gonna annoy the hell outta him.

And nothing's going to stop me. Damn right.

I wish. 

You'd think one week would be enough to get someone seriously worked up, but in my case, nah. The first six days just frickin' **slipped** past without me uttering a single word of 'endearment' to him, I just couldn't okay? So today is the last chance before I have to eat my words, again. You know, I would very much prefer just to sit in our room all night with a tub of choc-chip ice-cream as company if I could just ignore the teeny weeny fact that it's my turn to cook. Joy. For some strange (bizarre-eccentric-whatever) unknown reason people seem to misjudge me a lot, the most common preconceptions being that I cook delicious meals and I have a fine composure and first-rate patience.

Well I'd like to think that too, but unfortunately, it's no way no how for me. Come on, there are only so many things a guy can be good at (point excludes Kai), and cooking is definitely not my forte. Giving myself a good push I bounced up from the couch, noticing somewhere between my drift-off Kai had disappeared (probably out for a walk), leaving myself to get nice'n cosy with my inner monologue. No thanks. I dragged myself, very reluctantly I might add, into the kitchen and searched/rummaged through the fridge and cupboards as I started to prepare dinner.

Some time later, halfway between me putting down the twin bowls of noodles I think, while my mind ran through scenarios of me annoying Kai, I heard the soft click of a door. Instantly my bundle of thoughts dwindled down to a drastic low of two --- 'He's back' and 'operation pet name commence'.

Oh and a third --- tonight is gonna be a helluva night.

The footsteps are getting louder, which means Kai is getting nearer, which means the sooner I have to start annoying him, which means… Argh! To hell with hypotheses, they've never gotten me far anyway, just in circles. And now I've switched to adjusting my bandana/smoothing off invisible wrinkles off my shirt/fixing my hair. You see, I have a tendency to fidget when I become nervous, I just hope Kai doesn't notice.

When Kai was exactly 1.5 seconds from walking in the kitchen (I'm good at maths when I'm nervous), I called out despite the nervous bug happily devouring my intestines. Yuck.

"Dinner's ready, **darling**."

Strike one.

I cringed mentally at the way my voice came out, which resembled a cross between a squeak and a giggle. Yeah, it was that bad. For the first time in days a flash of thought ran across my mind saying this whole 'annoy-Kai-with-pet-names' scheme isn't such a good idea after all… but then again, sometimes my own brilliance surprises even myself.

The look on Kai's face, scrunched up with a half scowl and a slight grimace as he walked in, was all the motivation I needed. He didn't flinch though, which was a pity, however there's plenty more time tonight. At this moment, I was struggling to keep the triumphant victory dance within me at a minimum while I tried to maintain the 'everything's dandy' façade. When neither of us spoke for 5 seconds, I swear I could feel the uncomfortable silence creeping in, looming, threatening to take over. Not gonna happen sucker! So lil'old me, being the oh-so-reliable pillar of speech, was frantically searching for a topic, anything to talk about. Bingo.

"Kai! Is that ice-cream?" I managed a delightful tone, spotting the plastic bag in his hand. Pigging out on ice-cream is like my favourite thing to do asides blading, perhaps even more than sex itself. Unless it was sex with Kai of course, which will always remain on the top of my charts. What else did'ya expect?

"Hn."

I sighed inwardly at the monosyllable response, rendering my mood from euphoric to near exasperate in merely 1 second (a personal record). Kai was still a nutshell, still a little reclusive; still have a lack of social skills and still edgy around people. But I've been helping him and I am proud to say he can now lead a two-way conversation, treat most people nicely and not reduce little kids to tears with that glare of his. 

"Why'd you buy it though? I know you don't like ice-cream." Gah, could it actually be that he --- 

"I don't, but **you** do." His tone was indifferent as he brushed past me to put the tub in the freezer.

My mood instantly soared back to a record high exhilaration and I thought my heart was going to burst from sheer joy (some day moods swings will be the end of me). My breath hitched for a jiffy before this warm and fuzzy feeling took over my body like wildfire; and me being the idiot I am, was more than happy to let it consume me. I swear I have the lamest goofy grin plastered on my face, but I don't care. **Kai** bought **me** ice-cream, he actually bought me ice-cream! I was happy, overjoyed, ecstatic --- until a pang of guilt tumbled down like a ton of bricks. For once Kai was acting remotely nice, and here I am acting like a three year old baby trying to annoy him; what kind of idiotic, moronic numskull does that?! (and please don't answer that) Despite my inner turmoil, I couldn't help but be over the moon, narrowing my mind and concentrating on that warm and fuzzy feeling again. After all, something like this only happens once every millennia.

When did I die and go to heaven?

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Some time later again, when my brain finally descended from cloud nine and crawled back into my brain, a stupid persistent nag was urging me to finish what I had started. Of course I haven't forgotten already, I was just, just… stalling for time, there. Now you can all go ahead and call me a wuss. We're eating in silence, or rather Kai is, since I haven't really paid attention to the meal in front of me. My mind is drifting and I'm sure my eyes are betraying me. Did I mention I tend to recall memories when I'm nervous?

One of the most memorable events would have to be when Kai moved in with me. It was HELL personified. Turns out I'm just as much of a private person as Kai. If you've been there I'm sure you'd understand, it's not as simple as two people living under one roof; it's a new lifestyle, new habits… you get the gist. So what if I liked my life plain-and-boring as it was?

Take cleaning up for example; if you live alone, there's an unspoken rule that you never clean up. But when Kai moved in… talk about a big change. Now I'm starting to think Tyson's apartment is 'filthy' and have been constantly urging him to do something about it. And _that_ is scary.

You see, living with someone is be a **big** commitment, and not all it's cracked up to be. But the share of yummy positives pays off in the end. And you know what? The best thing about living with Kai is just being with him, instead of being alone. I know it sounds corny, but honestly, that was probably the bottom line that kept us living together. That and of course, other things.

The funny thing is that we never once talked about the whole relationship thing, I guess there's a reciprocal intolerance for that type of thing. Other things between us just kinda flowed, call it mutual understanding; like the amount of sugar Kai always has in his coffee, the way I like my morning cuddles, and how I absolutely, utterly loath cutting my hair.

"Rei."

Did someone just call my name? Anyway, there was this other time…

"Rei." A little louder now.

I snapped out of my little reverie and focused on the source of sound coming from across the table, fully noticing my surroundings. Oh shit oh shit! Just how long had I been spaced out?! I tried to clear my head and come up with a coherent reply but the only sound that left my lips was an extremely unintelligent ---

"Huh?"

Go me.

"You seem distracted."

Duh! Like point the obvious.

"I'm fine really, just thinking, that's all." I hastily made up what would have to be the world's most clichéd excuse. 

"Hn."

Normally I would just ignore Kai's 'hn's like a good little boy, actually I'm just used to them. But tonight, something about that tone of his triggered a line inside and I smirked mentally (a very un-Rei thing to do) as a particular thought swirled in my mind.

"Pass me the sauce would you, **dear**?"

Strike two.

And he was probably gonna say something nice too! Right before I blew it of course. Regardless, I reckon it sounded loads more confident, almost carefree, like I've been saying that since day one. Okay, it wasn't that great, but at least I didn't squeak. Never mind having noodles with chili sauce, musta been the way I had been thinking right beforehand.

Note to self --- fill mind with **evil** thoughts in order to articulate mean, nasty sentences.

Even his reaction was saying something, which I vaguely translated into a medium-to-high pissed off degree according to my Kai-to-standard dictionary. His back stiffened and I could almost feel the muscles tensing up, and if I'm correct there had even been a slight tremor in his arm. Of course he passed me the damn source, which I accepted graciously with an ample smile. To my surprise he didn't say anything, no pun, no sarcastic remark, just went back to eating the dinner I cooked in silence. Stubborn bastard. If he thinks he can worm his way out of this one by being nice then he ain't see nuthin' yet. I was gonna get a damn fine reaction from him if it was the last thing I do!

Oh look! Now he's got this look on his face that's a gorgeous mix of confusion and dissatisfaction. I love it when he does that, the way those intense burgundy orbs just seem to soften down; the way that elegant eyebrow would raise slightly and the way those pink pouty lips look. I really treasure those rare adorable moments when he lets his guard down, at times like this I just want to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him. And he looked so damn cute too. Of course, Kai would rather die than admit himself being cute.

Some time later, after we've put away the dishes; Kai brought out the tub of ice-cream and served both of us two scoops each. Now on any other occasion I would start digging in straight away, but not tonight. Instead I found myself staring at Kai, mesmerised by the way he eats his ice-cream. It's another one of those un-Kai moments; he's holding the spoon out in front of him, eyeing the white creamy content like it was something poisonous. Then he sticks his tongue out just a little bit, giving a tentative lick at the ice-cream before engulfing the whole spoon. And to finish off he laps up the residue on his lips with a swift, quick lick. I managed to gulp down a few spoonfuls myself before reverting back to watching him.

I'm making it difficult for myself, I know. I shouldn't be thinking about how beautiful-gorgeous-cute-sexy Kai looks when I'm really trying to be mean and annoy him. I'd much rather be eating ice-cream while snuggling up close to him on the couch watching some movie than facing an aggravated, pissed-off Kai.

"Look Kai, I--- um---" _Just spit it out Rei, how damn hard can it be?_

"What?" He snapped.

One moment he was acting all nice and now he's impatient? Talk about mood swings.

"Look **honey**, I know I've been a bit strange tonight and--- "

So much for apologising. Shit

Rei Kon you stupid-brainless-moronic idiot of the century! This was **not** supposed to happen! You were going to **apologise** to him, not annoy him! Now he thinks you're doing it on purpose and you've just lost your only chance to make it up to him because he is now definitely going to strangle you to death with his bare hands! This is bad. This is really bad!

Strike three?

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A/N: I didn't mean to stop it here. This was an old piece I dug up and polished off. There's more to it, of course, as soon as I convince myself. Please leave a comment so I know I'm still luuuurved n.n"

**_Asuki_**


End file.
